That was a saying that my Grannie used, whenever she had to do something that she felt went against who she was or had to cope or deal with a person that she couldn't stomach; 'It sticks in me craw' - I can still 'hear' her voice spitting the words out as if she was spitting out the feelings that the deed or the person had engendered within her.
I can remember one occasion with absolute clarity - 'Old Mr. Whaterhisnamewas' had turned up at the door begging for help with the really nasty problem that he had with his chest (probably caused by his 100 a day Park Drive habit), this would normally not have been a problem for my Gran who was the village go-to 'lotion-n-potion' dealer (amongst many other things), this was part of who she was - she helped people.
The problem was definitely 'Old Mr. Whaterhisnamewas' - he was a nasty piece of work; the village curtain-twitcher, gossip and judgemental muck-raker and shit-stirrer, put a ball in his garden whilst you were playing and it came back with a garden-fork sized hole in it. The venom that Gran exuded whilst stirring the potion muttering the immortal words 'It sticks in me craw' didn't instil confidence in me that the potion was actually going to help him do anything other than maybe die.
And that is the meaning of the idiom 'It sticks in my craw' - a craw is part of a birds digestive system where food is stored prior to digestion (more commonly called a crop these days), so if something sticks in it, it cannot be digested. It is a more flamboyant way of saying that you cannot stomach something or that you find it unacceptable. Gran definitely couldn't digest actually having to help such a nasty person. You would probably have found that the whole village would have thanked her if she had killed him.
So what 'Sticks in MY craw'? - well at the moment this does.
I am definitely my Gran's grand-daughter; part of what I am is that I help people - NOT the other way around, I don't ask for help. I am independent; fiercely independent, probably too much so.
The lessons that I learned from my Gran, I learned well, and one of them was that when the 'chips are down' the only thing that you can unfailingly rely to stand upon is your own two feet. I have always stood on my own two feet so I just 'don't do' asking for help.
What happens though when your back is really against the wall? When there really are no other options?
Celtic Earth Spirit has been going for around 5 years - it is there as a 'resource' for people. The web-site has a very large information section and a lot of free downloads (from books to ancient craft instruction sheets). The Face-Book page disseminates this information and the Face-Book group provides a meeting place for folk of a like-mind. All of this is for FREE.
There are 3 problems that I have; it isn't 'free', there are web-site costs, hosting fees and the time spent running it is time that I cannot use to chase other sources of revenue - but my attitude has always been 'I started it so I will support it'. It has also grown (beyond my wildest dreams) and now takes over 30 hours a week to run. I no longer have the money to support it, to pay its current costs let alone the upgrade that is needed to allow it to support itself. So the 'chips are really down'.
There is only one option left; to ask for help, to ask the folk who utilise Celtic Earth Spirit and benefit from what it offers to provide a little bit of support to keep it going (I tell a lie, there is another option; to walk away from it, close it all down and use my time for me - but that isn't who I am).
So I have had to learn another lesson - that sometimes I do need help, that sometimes I do need to ASK for help - it has been a hard lesson to swallow.
IT REALLY STICKS IN ME CRAW